The Castiel Diaries
by dirtylittletrenchcoat
Summary: Told from 1st person POV. This is Castiel's diary, his recordings of his life as a human, per Dean's suggestion. Mostly details his life on the streets after the Fall and his experiences with human life and culture. M for language and sexual situations.


The Castiel Diaries: Chapter 1

Okay. So, Dean asked that I try this. He thought that I should write down the things that I learn as I become a human. I agree with him. I think that, while painful, it could be a valuable resource for new humans. And, of course, for all the other angels.

This is kind of a handbook. I will write down all the things I experience. If an angel finds this, please listen. It might be of great help or importance.

**Day 1**

Everything hurts. Why am I in pain? Why does that ache? Is this a side effect of the Fall?

It hurts to move at all.

So this is pain. I had heard of it, but I did not expect it to be so all-encompassing.

It hurts the most on my "back" where my wings used to be. From what I can see, there are deep wounds. Like something vital has been ripped out. Which something has.

There is also a new sensation. I think it's called hunger?

It started as a sharp pain in my stomach. Then it spread throughout my torso. It won't stop WHY ISN'T IT STOPPING

HOW DO I STOP IT?

* * *

><p>I finally figured out how to stop it. I have to only eat "food" and it goes away. A miraculous thing, this food is.<p>

It just goes away. Like magic, I suppose.

But there is something else. Something seems to be pressing on my lower abdomen. What is this?

* * *

><p>Ah. Uh, apparently it's called "taking a piss."<p>

How do you humans do it?

All these bothersome emotions, all the impulse and urges. How do they not tear you apart?

I can't understand it.

Hopefully they do not pain you as much as they do me.

Adjusting seems to be a difficult and dangerous process. I can only hope that it does not endanger my brethren so. I hope that most survived in the Fall.

It just seems so hard.

**Day 2**

So, apparently you cannot just take things from the shelves of a "store." Aren't stores meant to supply you with food and clothing?

I was leaving the store with food when a man came up and stopped me. He said that I was "stealing" and that he "was going to call the popo."

I pushed him away and asked him to let me leave. He replied with, "You've got a lotta nerve for a thief."

I still don't understand why he held me there. Can't you just take the things you need?

He dialed a number on his digital smartphone and said that he was going to call the cops on me. I tried to leave again, but then he punched me.

It left what you call a bruise. It also inflicted the sensation called pain.

The "cops" showed up very soon after that. They handcuffed me and put me in the back of their car.

I've hunted enough with Sam and Dean to know that that was kidnapping. I banged on the windows, yelling to get people's attention, until the police told me to shut up.

I still don't understand. What am I guilty of?

* * *

><p>I've learned something today.<p>

I need to have money to get things from a store. But I still don't understand. What is money?

I was held by the "popo" for a very long time. They asked me why I did it. Again. What did I do?

This "stealing" seems to be bad. I won't do it again.

But how do I get money?

I asked the "popo" that, and they laughed at me. I still don't know how you get money.

I stayed outside tonight. It was cold, and the wind yet again inflicted the sensation of pain.

How, again, do you humans do it?

**Day 3**

I figured out how to get money.

I was on the street last night when a male person came up to me and asked me if I wanted some money. I did, so I said yes.

He took me to his car and asked me to "blow him."

I didn't know what that meant. He seemed very patient, so I asked him.

He slapped me in the face and called me a "dumb whore." Then he unzipped his pants.

He showed me a thing. It was long, and stiff, and it was dripping liquid. He told me to put it in my mouth and suck.

I did. After about 5 minutes, more liquid came out and I started choking.

There was so much liquid. It got all over me and his car. He gave me a napkin and 100 dollars afterwards.

So this is money. It seems so insignificant, compared to what people make it out to be.

* * *

><p>I went to the store again. I picked up some bread and peanut butter off the shelf and went to check it out.<p>

I couldn't do it. Those infernal "self-checkout" machines were made by Lucifer himself, I swear. I put the bread over the scanner over and over again, and it didn't register. Why didn't it register?

Eventually the man from yesterday had to come over and help me. He scanned the thing on the first try. Then the machine wouldn't let me pay. It said I had to slide a card, but I didn't have a card.

I ended up just giving some money to the man from yesterday and leaving.

I am on the streets again tonight. My eyes are beginning to droop.

What is this sensation? It feels like I just want to drop to the ground and pass out.

Is this what they call sleepiness?

**Day 4**

There is still pain.

It hurts everywhere. It hurts where my wings -are- were. My head hurts, my back hurts, my legs hurt, my arms hurt.

But most of all, there is "inside pain."

The pain that comes from the knowledge that I have not only put myself here, but I have put almost every single angel in existence in my situation as well.

That pain sucks balls.

It is still cold, outside. I have tried all the things I know how to do: curl up in a ball, go somewhere warmer, put on more clothes. Nothing has worked, so far. I am still cold.

I live on the corner of Freemont and 46th, if anyone's wondering.

Not in the building, unfortunately. I can't afford to live there. I live on street, right outside.

In the building, there is a nice receptionist lady. She gives me coffee if I go inside because of the cold. I like her. It is good coffee, anyways.

It is a big building, about half the height of my true form. It would be quite suitable lodgings, if I could acquire more money.

But I don't want to earn money the way I did last time. It was dirty and nasty and I can't do it again. That man defiled an Angel of the Lord.

But then again, so did Dean.

Dean. I hadn't thought of him in a while. I had been so wrapped up in my own problems that I did not spare a second thought.

Is that shameful? To not think of one's friends when they are in a time of need?

I believe it is.

**Day 5**

The street corner has become my full-time home.

No matter what I said yesterday. The acquisition of money seems to be the most important thing to humans.

I tried to mimic their body language. They seem to enjoy sticking up their fingers in happiness. I stuck up my thumb to a person.

They smiled and did the same.

I stuck up my pointer finger to a person.

They looked at me quizzically and walked away.

I stuck up my middle finger to a person.

They yelled at me angrily and did the same.

What humans think of finger gestures is quite fascinating. They find so much meaning in the ejection of an appendage.

As I said earlier, money seems to be the most important thing to them.

I managed to earn some more today.

A man came up to me, after dark, and asked me if he "could fuck me." I asked if there was money involved. He said yes, so I agreed.

I regret that agreement.

It hurts, very much, to be "fucked." I don't know how Dean enjoys it so much.

Afterwards, the man gave me $300. He said for me to go find a job, and get my pert ass off the streets.

I could try that, maybe. But I have no credentials. How would I get a job?

Maybe I could try somewhere that wants menial labor. Or test subjects.

Who knows?

**Day 6**

No jobs in sight. Also, running low on food.

I need more money.

But if this is how humans acquire money, I want no part in that trade.

It still hurts. Everything hurts.

**Day 7**

Send help.

**A/N: This is seriously non-canon, just my random imaginings. I wrote this in an hour and a half with no editing at all, out of the blue. I've nothing better to do, so ****_please_**** critique. Reviews and this story are my OTP!**


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